Kim Jong-un haircut protestTHE PUBLIC EYE
I’ve been thinking about getting a Kim Jong-un haircut as an act of international protest.
Sure, I know some people probably would say the thatched roof style would do something for me, like maybe make me look a little younger, a litter thinner in the face, or, like him, as crazy as a glue-sniffing bedbug.
Honestly, though, having gone through a few interesting shorter hairstyles in my day, I’m well aware of how it would look, given the fact that my head is shaped like a racetrack.
Back when I experimented with a buzz cut against my parents’ advice in my pre-teen years, I once heard my father say, as I put on a baseball hat, “And down the stretch he comes!”
Comments like that will scar you for life, which is why to this day my haircuts are quarterly affairs. Well, that plus the trauma of the boot camp shaved-head routine, which serves as an anti-cootie precaution, while also providing a strong indication that both your top and bottom are no longer your own.
Even so, I think emulating the grass shack tonsorial style of North Korea’s supreme leader has merit were we all to do it. Why? Because, it turns out there’s a law in that country against anyone having that haircut besides him.
Like everyone would be lining up for one of those.
“Yep, I’m slowly starving, but, boy, do I have a great haircut!”
The fact is, according to these same reports, hair-cutting establishments — I think calling them salons or stylists might be stretching it, like referring to a tree as a pencil-in-waiting — are restricted by law to just 15 types of haircuts. It’s true.
Those would be, I’m guessing, long, short, a little long, a little short, sort of long, sort of short, buzzed, kind of buzzed, sideburns, no sideburns, with a part, without a part, bowl, shaved and naturally wispy.
And you can get any color you want, as long as it’s black. Yep, hair dying is forbidden. In fact, the only blond person ever seen in North Korea was pro basketball oddity Dennis Rodman, when he went to visit a few years back, having waded a little too long in the crazy pool himself.
Considering all this, I figure that the best way to show Kim, or Jung-on, or whichever is appropriate, that he doesn’t scare us is if we all got haircuts just like his.
That’ll show him who’s boss. This is America, and we can get any kind of haircut we want … even if it does end up looking like a patch of brown turf in the middle of a racetrack.