Ocean City Today
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No more friendly skies

THE PUBLIC EYE
By Stewart Dobson | May 11, 2017

 

 

printed 05/12/2017

 

Life used to be so simple. Many years ago, if you were looking for trouble, you’d go to a bar. Now, if you’re looking for trouble, you get on an airplane.

It seems we’re hearing almost weekly reports about airborne fights or takedowns, or about someone being kicked off for breaking one rule or another.

“Excuse me, sir, is that chewing gum in your mouth? Did you bring enough for everyone? No? Then you march yourself right out of here, mister.”

For reasons air travel experts have yet to determine, we’re no longer flying the friendly skies. It’s more like, “Welcome to Smackdown Airlines, are you ready to rumble?”

It’s baffling when you consider how many people are paying a great deal of money to get into an airplane scuffle. In the old days, you went to a bar and got your butt kicked for free.

“Excuse me, miss, but I see that your boyfriend has finally mastered walking on his hind legs. Just kidding, really. Bartender, a drink for the lady, and … ummm … a chew toy for the gentleman. Hahahahaha.” Whap!

You don’t even have to stow your carry-on bag, much less pay for assorted extras.

“A bag of peanuts is a dollar? That’s outrageous!”

Whap!

“Excuse me, sir, but I need to use the restroom.”

Whap! … “Still need to?”

“Nope. You knocked it out of me. Thanks!”

It may be that the airline industry is charging for so many things these days — “That’ll be $500 for the flight, sir, and another $500 if you want to land” — that passengers are so annoyed that the slightest thing sets them off.

“LOOK! FREE PEANUT ON THE FLOOR!”

Whap!whap!whap!whap!whappitywhap!

Years ago, the only way I’d fly was if I was sedated, drunk or some combination of the two. It wasn’t that I was afraid of flying, which is no big deal, but what would happen if the flying part stopped before it should.

“This is your captain speaking. We are now over the Pacific Ocean. Unfortunately, because of a little scheduling mix-up, we will stop flying in exactly 30 seconds. See ya!”

I finally got over that, but now I’m reluctant to fly because my brawling days are long behind me. Bars are safer in that respect.

“Hey, pal, you’re the funniest-looking, most worthless human being I’ve ever seen!”

“Thanks. I’m not flying anymore either.”

 

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