Secrets revealed on InternetTHE PUBLIC EYE
I’ve always struggled to understand why so many people believe what they read on the internet, when it’s like standing in a room full of unidentified screaming people until the one who screams the loudest gets your attention.
That is, at least, until this week, when I finally recognized that the World Wide Web and its associated services are the ultimate source of information involving matters of national and international import.
While everyone else was worrying about subterfuge perpetrated on us by the Russians, I learned that the Japanese have long kept secret the answer to one of humanity’s much greater problems.
That’s right, I’m talking about the heartbreak of Toenail Fungus.
Luckily for me, some foreign whistleblower or disgruntled special agent recognized my status as a journalist of great renown and quietly deposited this revelation into my email for release to the world.
But there it was, “Japanese Have Secret Code for Toenail Fungus.”
I’m not sure how he or she managed to slip this sensitive material past the authorities, but its value is immeasurable.
“Hello,” it began ominously. “I just found a remedy for Toenail Fungus. Not many people know about it.”
Naturally, they had me right there. If many people don’t know about it, I definitely want the inside scoop.
The message continued: “Millions of people got rid of Toenail Fungus through this secret Japanese Code.”
Sure, you say, if millions of people were cured, how can The Code be secret? Maybe their families were threatened if they squawked. I don’t know, it could happen.
In any event, my toenails are fine, but it did occur to me that I could become a great humanitarian and help millions of sufferers if I was the sole possessor of The Code. Then, too, I could charge for it. Just a little, at first, anyway.
In fact, I could become a Toenail Fungus billionaire with clinics, paid seminars — the Tony Robbins of Toenail Fungus, as it were — and — dare I say it? — a fleet of Toe Trucks to minister to shut-ins.
All I have to do is “Click here.”
So, I did and …
“You’ve Never Seen A Lotto Like This.” “Looking for Singles in Selbyville?” “Wonder Belt — Lose 15 Pounds in One Week …” “Re-Grow Hair …” Blip.
Obviously, dark forces were at work. No matter, I’ll be getting my email and computer back online any day now, the techs tell me, and when I do, the truth awaits. I just know it.