Ocean City Today

Free range children

The Public Eye
By Stewart Dobson | May 10, 2018



printed 05/11/2018


The recent announcement that “Free Range Children” are now legal in Utah left me with two questions:

1. When did “Free Range Children” become illegal?

2. Are “Free Range Children” better for you than grain-fed children?

I pretty much eschew cannibalism, although I once did preside over the headline-writing process for a church supper story that announced, “Fried Children Dinner.”

Really. That ranked right up there with my infamous headline about the play, “The Curious Savage,” a high school drama class was about to stage many years ago. The headline read: “Students to put on The Curious Sausage.”

As it happened, I never followed up with either group to see whether attendance was up or down as a result of my error, although I did run corrections:

“The headline with last week’s story on the church supper inadvertently said, ‘Fried Children Dinner.’ It should have said ‘Fried Chicken Dinner.’ No children will be consumed. We regret the inconvenience we might have caused people who believed otherwise.”

“The headline with last week’s story about the high school play inadvertently said, “Students to put on ‘The Curious Sausage.’” It should have said, ‘The Curious Savage.’ The students will not be putting on any sausages, curious or otherwise during this production. We regret … yada, yada, yada.”

But back to this Free Range Children business. I would have thought that advocates of allowing kids to travel solo would have come up with a better way to say it.

It just sounds so livestock-y.

“My kids are Free Range Children.”

“Oh yeah, well mine are fed nothing but acorns.”

Wouldn’t it be better just to call them “Independent?” Then again, maybe not.

“My kid is an Independent.”

“Oh yeah, well my kid is a Republican!”

These days, it seems, you’re flirting with trouble no matter what you say, since someone’s going to take it the wrong way or misinterpret what you said, or look for hidden motives, or read into something you didn’t say, didn’t mean, or didn’t even consider.

It’s like the Free Range Children thing. I’m sure if I were to say “Students to Stage Fried Free Range Children with Curious Sausage Dinner,” someone would contend that it’s wholly inappropriate.

And don’t even get me started on Kobe Beef Children. That would just be wrong.



By the way, the calls are starting to come in about Ocean City’s new fence in the median on Coastal Highway.

It’s somewhat more imposing than most people thought it would be — kind of like those power poles that looked good in the artist’s rendition, but more like a Missile defense system in real life.

I say cut the fence folks a break. After all, if Ocean City is ever faced with a caravan of possible illegal aliens at its borders, they’ll never get across the street.


Comments (0)
If you wish to comment, please login.