Ocean City Today

Get rich quick

By Stewart Dobson | Jul 13, 2017



(printed 07/14/17)


Having toiled for nearly half a century in the newspaper business to become middle-class beyond my wildest dreams, I have decided it’s time to make some real money.

I’m talking about crazy big money, as in complete doubloonacy, the Niagara Falls of cash flows and unmitigated fat cattishness, which, according to my most recent ATM visit, is somewhat more than “Unable to Process.”

As most people know, the best way to become rich is to offer something novel, entertaining or useful that no one else is providing. There’s even a market for things that are totally useless but look good, like much of the fishing tackle I buy.

On the other hand, were it not for my tendency to buy cool fishing gear that doesn’t do anything, along with my belief that, in the world of food and drink, expensive tastes better than inexpensive, I wouldn’t be casting about to find that one product that will send me laughing all the way to the bank.

Actually, I do laugh when I go to the bank, but it’s because the tellers and I know a good joke when we see one.

“There must be something wrong with my account.”

“There is. It doesn’t have any money in it. Hahahahaha! Anything else?”

“Nope. That’ll cover it. Hahahahaha!”

But those days will be over soon, as I finally realized that I must exercise the kind of bold foresight that others have employed to sell the public something it never knew it needed.

Well, yes, I am talking about “The Chia Pet,” which is brought to you buy the same company that sells “The Clapper.” I’m telling you, the guy who snapped up the Chia Pet trademark in the 1970s is so rich that even his hair, like the Pet’s own locks, is green.

Inspired by this success I considered and discarded the following ideas:

• A vacuum cleaner attachment shaped like a golf putter so guys could practice and help with the cleaning.

• Flip-flop shower shoes with Scotch Brite soles so guys could inadvertently help with the cleaning and, finally, Swiffer socks so guys …

Keen observer of the human condition that I am, however, I knew I should wait until something both useful and desirable came along. The answer came to me the other day as I passed an auto repair shop while listening to news on the radio.

It’s the ideal product for today’s political market: Collusion insurance.

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