Ocean City Today

Meldonium for dopes

The Public Eye
By Stewart Dobson | Feb 22, 2018



printed 02/23/2018


It sounds like an episode from the old Perry Mason television series — “The Case of the Conniving Curler,” or maybe the “Rock-sliding Rogue.” But just when you thought the world couldn’t become more ridiculous than what it already is, out comes the report that a member of the Russian curling team was kicked out of the Olympics for doping.

Curling, doping, really?

This is like your Nana shooting up with monkey gland extract for the Pillsbury bake-off. Given the task involved, it just doesn’t seem that helpful.

It’s not as if, in the pastry shell preliminary round, that your dosed-up Nana would be likely to say, “Stand back, people, because I’m doing some shaking and baking,” before vanishing in a whirlwind of flour.

The possible effects of simian serum notwithstanding, I don’t see any benefit whatsoever from goosing up your endurance level just to send a highly polished piece of granite (or polished pastry, for that matter) sliding so s-l-o-w-l-y down a lane of ice.

I could, on the other hand, understand a throat lozenge overdose, what with all the screaming and yelling these participants do. Yet, that is not what the doping officials found slipping through the bloodstream of Alexander Krushelnitsky.

No, it was meldonium, which I have since discovered is an endurance-enhancing substance, a Baltic Bullet as it were, produced in Latvia and exported to assorted other countries for medical use, i.e. keeping the heart pumping, and cheating, i.e. Russians and one Swede, according to Olympic records.

Meldonium, incidentally, should not be confused with Meldumbian, a substance that helps you remain stupid for a longer-than-normal period, and which any number of participants associated with the Olympics have evidently consumed.

TV correspondent: “I know you finished dead last in the 2o kilometer cross-country wheeze, and that your family had to sell all its goats to pay for your trip here, so how do you feel about your Olympic experience?”

Last-place  athlete: “Oh, I’m just happy to be able to participate.”

In this instance, the pervasive nature of Meldumbian is evident, in that both the interviewer and interviewee are dumber than a box of curling rocks.

It is also apparent, however, that Mr. Krushelnitsky was dumb enough to think he could get away it, even though the use of this very same stuff is why the entire country of Russia was temporarily banned from the games after it was discovered in so many of its athletes in the last Olympics.

“Dum de dum de dum. They’ll never think I’m dumb enough to use Meldonium after the last episode.”

On the subject of curling, however, I have one final question about it before I enter a self-imposed silence on the sport for another four years. While I respect the game, and even enjoy watching a few minutes of it, this one thing has been nagging at me for some time: do curlers let their hair down at night?

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