Ocean City Today
https://oceancitytoday.villagesoup.com/p/1704916

No power, but snacks work

THE PUBLIC EYE
By Stewart Dobson | Nov 16, 2017

 

 

printed 11/17/2017

 

After many, many years, I have realized that my biggest problem — I’ve moved on from the ordinary ones — is that I have no real power. I’m not even the most important occupant of my house.

If, for instance, Crazy Eddie the super dog barks once at the back door, he is let inside and gets a treat. If I bark at the back door, I hear, “At least you took a cab” and no snack.

That hasn’t happened for quite a while, which could be because of age or a pavlovian response to snack-based training, not that it makes a difference, because the absence of recognized power is worse.

I cannot, for instance, avoid an unwelcome question with a quizzical look, followed by ‘I can’t recall.”

Some time ago, for instance, I learned that the laws of physics dictate that a paper coffee cup with the lid on will blow up in the microwave.

Actually, it didn’t just explode, it geysered out of the little opening in the lid and then blew up. With a bang.  (Note to self, never, ever reheat coffee for 90 seconds in a paper cup with the lid on it unless you want to recreate Old Faithful in various tones of brown).

I did the right thing and bailed out the microwave, but apparently missed a pint or so here and there.

“Did we have an accident in the microwave this morning?” the co-owner of the traitorous appliance asked when I returned home from work.

“Hmm,” I replied, rubbing my chin as if pondering one of the universal mysteries. “I don’t recall.”

“Don’t give me that,” she said. “I’ve been gone all day, you were the only one here and, judging from the colorization aspects of baked-on coffee, this thing looks more like ‘Old Yeller’ than it does a microwave.”

“OK,” I answered, “I was in the room when it happened, but I don’t recall any of the events that transpired. Others were in the room, so you might ask them.”

“They’re dogs.”

“Well, there you are. Besides, I’m invoking the rootin’ tootin’ Vladimir Putin defense — I did not do that.”

“No dice.”

“OK, I might be willing to give you a redacted transcript of events under the right circumstances.”

“Such as …”

“I could use a snack.”

“Only if you finish cleaning the microwave.”

“You got it.”

The absence of power — it weighs heavily, but not hungrily, on my mind.

 

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