Ocean City Today

Tail Pipe a no go

The Public Eye
By Stewart Dobson | Sep 21, 2017


Printed 09/22/2017


For the record, I would never go out with anyone named “Tail Pipe Peaches.”

One, my wife has always invoked an old Coast Guard adage in matters pertaining to any nighttime outings that I might suggest.

“Hmmm,” I’ll muse as if I really could break the gravitational pull of my recliner and spend a few minutes being vertical, “I think I’ll go take the distillery tour and then maybe the distillery tour, followed by the distillery tour.”

“That’s fine,” she’ll say.

Knowing that I’m a contrarian of long standing, she never, ever says “no,” because she doesn’t want to hear me argue about why I should be able to do something that I wouldn’t do anyway.

“Really?” I’ll respond from the La-Z-Boy’s lower latitudes.

“Sure,” she’ll say, lowering the newspaper to the appropriate level of menace just below the rims of her glasses. “Just remember what they say in the Coast Guard…”

“What’s that?”

“You might have to go out, but you don’t have to come back.”

Thus, my sedentary lifestyle is reinforced by She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed.

But meet up with someone named Tail Pipe Peaches, the nom de hooker employed in a recent police department prostitution sting? I don’t think so.

Besides the primary reason I wouldn’t do it, such an encounter could lead to awkward moments no matter what my or anyone else’s personal circumstances might be.

Let’s say you’re single and you meet this person and discover that, in addition to being able to realign your moral compass, she is a student of philosophy, speaks five languages, is a gourmet chef and fixes her own car.

Fascinated, you go out again. And again. And then, you decide maybe it’s time.

“Hi, Mom. I’d like you to meet my friend, Ms. Peaches.”

I know times have changed and that our current society is much more liberal than it once was, but I don’t think this would work out as the conversation continues.

“I’m pleased to meet you, dear,” your mother says. “And what’s your first name?”

“Tail Pipe.”

Your mother lowers her newspaper to the appropriate level of disapproval, looks at you and says, “‘Tail Pipe.’ Hmmm. I guess this means you have been frequently exhausted.”

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