Ocean City Today

We go (unsalted) nuts here

By Stewart Dobson | Nov 09, 2017



printed 11/10/2017


Feeding the squirrels at work — the ones outside the building, a distinction I must make to avoid lawsuits and hurt feelings, not to mention the inevitable letter writing campaign from rodent rights groups —  has become something of a ritual around here.

I will confess that I am one of a number of people here who actually like the little tree rats. I don’t know why exactly, except they’re like little politicians: they’ll sit up and pay attention to you as long as you have something for them.

Because of our affinity for these creatures, we go through multiple bags of peanuts here at work, but not just any kind of this particular legume. They must, I discovered to my chagrin, be UNSALTED peanuts.

Why? Because, after the only big bag of nuts I could find were salted in the shell, and I said, “No big deal,” I was informed by other squirrel aficionados here that salted peanuts could give Mr. Fuzzy et al a little heart condition and high blood pressure.

Ramped up as they are anyway, the last thing you’d want is a squirrel with high blood pressure.

“Here you go, Mr. Fuzzy, this is my last peanut.”

“What?!!! You mean just the one? One lousy stupid peanut, a single nut on the half-shell? Why, why, I could just … Oooooooh, unnnhh.”

Clean up on aisle four.

Besides, they also don’t make little pacemakers for squirrels as far as I know, although I suspect the pharmaceutical industry, with the aid of a sympathetic Congress, is working this very minute on squirrel heart medications.

“If think your squirrel is suffering from high blood pressure, he or she may need Rodentiol.

“Rodentiol has been clinically proven to lower blood pressure in the vast majority of small furry animals.

‘Hi, I’m Bob the Squirrel. Time was, I could only watch the kids play at the beach. I had to stand behind a line in the sand because I was always short of breath. But now, with Rodentiol, I can join in the fun. Hey, kids! Who’s up for Frisbee?’

Rodentiol. Ask your veterinarian about it today.”

Or, you could buy unsalted peanuts and eat those five pounds of salted ones yourself. Not all at once, of course. Even Mr. Fuzzy would know that.

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